My mother Linda was an ICU/CCU & hospice nurse. She is extremely smart, affectionate, thoughtful, fun, generous, and a beautiful person. My mom started loosing her memory in 2007 but I thought with all the stress she had from having the house for sale, working 12 hours a day, working night shift, loss of a family member, and all the other things I didn’t even know about because she kept a lot of stressful situations to herself and hid behind a beautiful smile. My mom was supposed to drive me to get an operation done and she left without me, at first I thought it was a mistake but she was gone for a while. My mom was famous for not paying the bills, she would wait for the call from the utilities company notifying is that our service would be shut off, my mom would write out a check and send me over there to drop it off. So obviously we didn’t have cellphones because those were shut off as well. I called over to the hospital and they found my mom sitting in the waiting room. I was completely heart broken. My mom stopped going grocery shopping, I was in my early 20’s so I quit school to get a job as a car saleswoman. My father starting asking for money so I knew something was wrong my father was raised to never take a hand out, if you wanted something you had to work for it. I started to wonder if my mom had a gambling problem or maybe taking drugs. My whole life my mom suffered from extreme anxiety and took Xanax a few times a day for it. I honestly thought my mom was neglecting me, that she no longer cared about me. I went to a party one night and discovered the magic of wine and the more of it I had the better I felt so I drank a lot. It got to the point where I needed to be drunk to get through the day so I use to put vodka in my water bottle and drink if I was ever too stressed. Don’t worry I don’t do that any more. My early 20’s was hell I knew about Alzheimer’s but I thought only old people got it. One day I was at work and my mom would call 20 times a day. “Hey Janice it’s mom I wanted to know if you want to go to lunch” I wasn’t able to leave work so I asked if she wanted to go for dinner. I got another call “hey Janice, where are you I have been waiting for you for a while” so I would leave work to meet my mom. The next day I got a call saying “do you want to shop for wedding dresses” I was only dating my now husband So I was like WTF? I would say not today mom. Things like that happens daily. My coworker Cindy suggested I take my mom to the neurologist to get checked for Alzheimer’s. I told her no my mom is still young. A movie came out called “still Alyce” and OMG that was the moment that changed my life. I asked my mom if she wanted to see it with me. My mom didn’t realize I was at work so she got into the car, went to the movie theater and purchased 2 tickets. My mom use to like to get some pop corn and watch the trivia questions on the screen so she figured I’d meet her there, she ended up watching the movie alone. I called her later that night to set up a plan and she said “hey Janice that movie was good, I had such a great time”. I asked my dad if he noticed anything strange with my mom but he said no. I saw still Alyce by myself and man did I cry like a baby. I suffer from migraines so I see a neurologist, I asked Dr. Pellmar a few questions on my next visit and we came up with a plan for my mom to see him. I told my mom I needed a ride to the doctor, I asked her to come in with me to take notes just Incase I needed them, my mom loved Dr. Pellmar because he made her laugh. I brought up the movie to the doctor and said “Rose, Cadillac, & Main St seem like such simple words how can one not remember them” he said in medical school they were told to always use those same words because Incase the doctor ever developed Alzheimer’s…. so the doctor said “Linda, I want you to remember 3 words Cadillac, Rose, & Main Street.” The doctor changed the subject and asked what the 3 words were and my mom thinking really hard but couldn’t come up with them. He asked my mom some more questions and then sent her for an MRI & blood work. I went back with my mom on her next appointment and he said “Linda I would really like you to participate in a drug trial, he made it sound like so much fun. I scheduled the visit for my mom to see Dr. Ross, she loved him because they would talk about Italy for hours. I hated the appointments because of the difficulty I had getting my mom to pee in the cup. She would beg me to pee in the cup for her, I would take her down the street to the Olive Garden for lunch and she still couldn’t pee. I would ask my mom if she needed to go to the bathroom but she said no and starting crying in the lobby of Olive Garden saying “Janice, pee in the cup for me I can’t” I would explain the doctor would know that wasn’t her urine and the test wouldn’t be accurate. She wanted to storm off and she is fast & strong when she is on a mission. I would often end up with a ton of black blues after trying to catch her. My father felt bad and saw what the appointments were doing to me and how my home was being affected by caring for so he would go without me. During these studies my dad would have to go in a room and answer questions but it got to the point where he couldn’t do it any longer because his answer would always be “I don’t know” so I went back to appointments with him. I now understood why answering those questions were so hard on him. It was a fight getting my mom to take the medicine. My father never really watched my mom take her meds and never realized she wasn’t taking them at all, she would hide them. I starting yelling at my dad how come you’re not watching mom, and he felt horrible. That was heartbreaking to see. My mom thought the publisher clearing house was actually going to send her a check for millions so she ordered a ton of magazines, we had every magazine ever printed come in both English & Spanish. Incase you aren’t familiar with that they would send you stickers that you would place on the spots and each sticker was an entry into the lottery. My dad got a bill for $250 a month later and harassing calls from the magazine debt collector. I was there once and answered the phone I said to the guy you know what take us to court I’ll be able to tell the judge how you took advantage of an old lady by sending them that and saying for each one you subscribe to your name will be entered, the guy said “keep the magazines we will make sure to not bill you”. Seriously getting the mail was a nightmare because of the amount of magazines we would receive. One day I’m going through their mail and I had an emotional break down. I started throwing the magazines across the room cursing and crying. My mom was like Janice here is a Xanax it will help you calm down. Seriously mom, I can not take your medicine stop trying to force me to, so she crushed the medicine and put it in my ice tea. I was so angry I needed to go for a walk when I went into my purse for my phone I found the bottle of Xanex, I explained to my mom if I was pulled over I could go to jail on drug dealing charges. I ended up just leaving and going home. I cried my whole way home stopped into a Dunkin’ Donuts to wash my face and apply makeup so my husband wouldn’t see my tears. My husband was on his way out to an event and the second he closed the door I lost it, I started crying, punching the pillows, pounding on the floor, pleading for help, repeating “God please help me”. A neighbor who was walking the dog called the police saying there’s a woman screaming for help so the police came. The officer who was sent to my house was familiar with Alzheimer’s because his grandma has it. I kinda thought that God heard me and answered my prayers by sending an officer who knew about Alzheimer’s. My husband comes home because he forgot his wallet and saw the police cars with the lights on and he didn’t know what he walking in to. I am a lot like my mom with bottling my feelings and then exploding. It physically feels like a volcano irrupting, when you hold so much in and try to be so brave your mouth starts to get dry, your body warms up, your face turns red, and boom the tears come rolling down like hot lava. My dad took my mom to the hair salon the next day to get the works color, cut, and dye. I questioned why my dad would just leave her there but he said he tipped everyone, paid for the services in advance. It was Christmas time and my dad needed my help shopping for my dad. He wanted to get her jewelry so I suggested we get her a medical ID bracelet, my mom didn’t like showers so I suggested perfume, my mom would constantly take her clothes off so I suggested some night gowns & robes. I saw my previous employer at the mall who fired me because my mom called so much so I was trying my hardest to avoid him, I saw someone I knew from 12 step meetings and ran over to hug her, I started crying and holding on to her for dear life in the middle of the mall 15’ away from Santa’s work shop. After my cry with Cathy I sat down and had lunch with my dad, he told me he needed my help, then some skeletons come out of the closet. It turns out each time my dad got a new car it was because he totaled his Car from drinking & driving. I tried my hardest to hold the tears in and put a smile on my face, I was shocked! I explained to my dad that I need him to stay sober because I couldn’t drive him & my mom everywhere. I called my brother for emotional support and he said “Janice put your big girl panties on and stop crying, DEAL and I’m not talking about the town by the shore” OMG how could he? Twenty minutes later I received a phone call from an angry guy who I sold cabinet refacing to, it turns out that the extreme heat from the oven took off the finish on his cabinets. I asked him nicely to call Sears and use his warranty but he said that sears won’t cover it because they felt it was the homeowners fault. I asked the gentleman how he wanted me to help and he said I should be sewed for not mentioned the finish would come off. So he was lucky winner, I went completely off on him, his wife gets on the phone and says “what’s your problem “ OMG my mom has Alzheimer’s, my dad has a DUI, and now I’m stuck taking care of them”. Ok now I’m convinced that I have an extremely bad mental health issue. I wasn’t able to eat anything, my breathing would often get heavier, and so on. I developed ulcers from it. I beg my dad to call the Alzheimer’s Association and speak to someone there. I am convinced an angel picked up the phone. She had a ton of resources and sent my dad to a support group. My dad cried like a baby there, he heard things that scared him, he knew I was too fragile to have to one day deal with helping my mom & dad out like that. I went along with him to the next group and I just observed and listened. I didn’t want to talk because so many people were dealing with so many things. My mind was blown after I heard what others were going through. I started to get nightmares and extremely vivid dreams so I had to separate myself from the group. My father had so many sleepless nights due to all the stress he had with my mom. I begged him to get an aid to help I offered to get a second job to pay for it. The aids would often call out, be late, or a complete no show. I thought maybe it was the agency and tried a different agency but the same thing happened. Then we my moms medical doctor and my mom was placed on hospice. OMG it just hit me that my mom is actually going to die from Alzheimer’s. They suggest we plan the funeral, they gave us a social worker, an aid, music therapy, a hospital bed, a recliner, the hospice nurse was amazing. I would often call on my lunch break at work and she would let me cry & then she suggested a book. I can’t remember the name of it but the book was extremely helpful. They supplied us with medical gloves, sanitizer, soap, wipes….. we never finished the box but they would give us new supplies every time her medicine came so once COVID-19 came here I was prepared. My mom is now in a nursing home because it got to be too much for my dad. My dad had to shampoo the carpets daily, everything was child proofed, the house became bare because my dad was afraid my mom would hurt herself. Every morning he had to pick up the furniture because my mom would throw chairs and flip tables. I was scared. How could this happen, my mom was the most loving, thoughtful person, she was smart? My mom didn’t deserve this to happen to her. My dad finally agreed to put my mom in a nursing home shortly after the aid went on vacation and the substitute aid was a no show. I’m missing my mom terribly. I can not sleep because I want to see her so bad. I am grateful that I took a lot of videos of her because now I can go back and watch them but it’s not the same. The last time I saw my mom I showed her pictures. When she saw a picture of her mom she started crying. I asked my mom “what’s wrong” but she didn’t answer. I brushed her hair to calm her down and she said my mom made me a drug addict, my mom forced me to take xanex. Wow, my mind was blown that she remembered that. I know it is true because my moms cousin mentioned it at my grandmothers funeral. I’m heartbroken that my last visit my mom was in tears. My biggest regret is not saving my moms voicemails from when she was able to call me. My father is completely heartbroken. He had a bad fall last week so I purchased a walker for him. He said to me this is great, I got a chair & a place to keep a 6 pack of beer. I gave him a dirty look, he said he wants to drink again. Honestly if my mom ever passed away my dad would die of a broken heart. I always say how lucky my mom was for meeting my dad. He is the most selfless person. His only job is to make my mom smile. Wow that’s love.